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2003-09-18 2:01 p.m. |
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last night you wanted to know what i was thinking because i seem to be able to share my thoughts freely with other people but not with you. i don't know where you get that idea. and for the life of me, i couldn't think of anything to say. scratch that. i couldn't get a grip on any of the millions of thoughtlets long enough to actually see where they were going. i hate the confusion that i seem to fall into so readily. i hate that 90% of the time, i have no coherent thought process at all and i don't know what i'm feeling. it's not for fun. i can tell you that much. so last night's thoughts were stupid. flitting moments of 'my head hurts' and 'what did i do?' and 'i don't think it's fair' and 'last weekend you were so busy i didn't even know if you realised i was still here'... blah. and any one of those should have developed into something to talk about and rationalize but they didn't. once i'd get a good grip on one, there wasn't anything to follow it and then what was the point of saying it? and today is no different. i want to tell you the super duper mega sparkly wickid platinum thoughts but i don't know where they are. i don't have anything to announce or ponder or blah. i don't know. i wonder sometimes why you aren't as excited about some things as i am. i wonder why you felt the need to make me think you didn't want to get engaged. i know it was to make sure it was a surprise and i'm glad you did it but it wasn't fun at the time and it still hurts. and that's dumb because i'm over it, really. and i wonder now why you tell me to make plans and tell you what i want to do but you don't make plans and you don't seem to want to do anything. and yet i know you're working all the time to make sure that we CAN do these things but what's the point of making sure we're free to do what we want if getting to that point makes us miserable? i know. gross castor oil to make the tummy feel good so it can enjoy the candies. i know. fizzy good make feel nice. it's simple, really. i need a little book of calm. |
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.p.r.o.l.o.g.u.e.
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2005-03-12 - 2005-03-12 |
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