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2003-12-23 9:27 p.m. |
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i used to be able to find a few decent tracks and play them really loudly and force myself to just spill into this thing. that's getting harder and harder. i don't really have anything new to talk about. nothing that's actually important enough to want to post it. i don't even keep a proper journal anymore. i should. if nothing else, i should make a concerted effort to write about things that happen around me so that i actually have some frame of reference when i DO reread all the old entries. i don't, tho. i don't talk about things in the news. i don't update with any kind of regularity, either. i suppose that's not a bad thing. no one misses it. that's probably not true. i'm sure there's a smattering of people out there that check this diary and wonder when i'm actually going to TALK about something that's happened. today is not that day. moo hoo, etc. i miss comics. i miss having some sort of fantasy world to lose myself into for at least a few minutes. i used to live down the street from a comic book store and i'd wander down there when i had a few extra dollahs and i'd buy a comic and read it on the walk home. i'm so far behind on New XMen that i'm not sure it's worth trying to catch up. I'd have to spend about 40dollah just to get up to date. so sad. i miss my x-men. :( it's cold and gloomy and i wish i could motivate myself. i've spent the day redesigning a site that no one is really visiting but at least now i'm happy with it. it's going to see a few more face lifts, i'm sure, but at the moment i like it. i was going to do some sewing today. i should have. i need to make some napkins and some organza bags and something else, i don't know what. the other day, misty wanted to know if i was in kemp to be able to go camping with her and the old 'crew'. i don't think i could handle a night with them anymore. i don't know what i'd talk about. so she volunteers to tell them i said 'hi'. i told her i didn't and she didn't seem to get it at first. but... really... why would i talk to them? i saw bobby a few months ago and while he's as nice a guy as ever and i like talking to him, i don't have a connection there anymore. i miss my johnny but i think i have to let him go. you can't save everyone. and the rest? i never liked them or i dated them and why would i want to extend greetings and salutations to anyone in those groups? silly. i miss having friends to walk around town with. i haven't had a walk with a friend in months. years. it's been forever and i hate it. i'm all locked up in my head and there's no way to get out anymore. the boy and i haven't talked about wedding stuffs in weeks. i don't know when we're going to get around to actually doing anything and i think i'm at the point where i'm tired of trying to make plans by myself. i know it's not a lack of interest. there's just always so much going on in the i miss dates. i miss real dates. i like going out for lunch or dinner on the spur of the moment or just when we have time but i miss dates. i miss having new things to talk about and i miss feeling like it's a treat to be out. lately it's been easier for me to cry than to smile and i don't know why. i wish i had a single coherent thought when i'm upset. there's never a root cause for being in a funk, anymore. it's always being looked at the wrong way or feeling like i'm talking to no one when something else becomes the focus of attention. things that usually aren't a big deal at all will suddenly become the sole reason for being in tears and there's no way to explain that, really. remember how we used to go to the park and i'd interview you and you'd interview me and we'd catch it all on tape and then run home to watch it? yeah. i gots a camera now and no one to interview. that's got to mean something.
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.p.r.o.l.o.g.u.e.
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2005-03-12 - 2005-03-12 |
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